Poor Man’s Cocaine

bizmenAn extremely short conference table squats in the middle of a cavernous corporate board room. Three men in their early 30s, Carter, Binwald and Vince, enter, all wearing stylish suits with the collars open. They are all coked to SHIT.

Vince: …so I says to the stripper, ‘you should be tippin me!’

The three men share a hearty laugh

Binwald: Alright, men, we gotta get down to business…good story though, Vince. I especially like the part where you stick a finger in her mouth without asking.

Vince: She was all like, ‘what the fuck?’ but you couldn’t understand her because of my finger!

Carter: Good one, Vince!

Binwald: Yes, yes…It’s always fun taking advantage of strippers. God knows I have. But we’re not here today to talk about our fulfilling sexual experiences. We’re here to listen to Carter’s new product idea. Carter?

Carter: Alright men. We all know that people LOVE uppers.

Vince (hoisting a large bag of cocaine): You said that, brotha!

Carter: Yes. Coke. Take coke. EVERYBODY loves coke: students, athletes, the elderly…

Vince: Homos, blacks, Mexicans, Russians, other sorts of non-white people…

Binwald: Poor people…

Carter: (snapping around and pointing) Yes…poor people. Poor people…

Binwald and Vince grimace with fear and disgust. Vince grabs the bag of coke with a panicked look on his face, does a bump, then leans back with relief

Carter: …poor people love coke, but they’ve made too many bad life decisions to be able to afford to DO coke…at least do it ENOUGH. Now, there has always been an alternative for poor people.

Binwald: Espresso?

Carter: No…the poor are ignorant and jingoistic, and therefore stay away from products with foreign names.

Vince: Pixie sticks?

Carter: They DO like their pixie sticks, but I’m talkin about somethin stronger…

Binwald: The Crack Rock?

Carter: The CRACK ROCK…the crack rock, yes…although the poor are straining at the leash to sniff the finest Colombian White, they aren’t able to afford it on their laughable budgets. So they are forced to suck the glass dick. Sometimes, you even feel bad for them…

Vince: …the way you feel bad for a quadriplegic who crippled himself through a failed suicide-jump!

Binwald: Good analogy, Vince!

Vince: Thanks, brotha!

Binwald: That creative thinking is why we hired you! Cut yourself another line.

Vince: Already there!

Laughter all around

Carter: SO!…how can we take advantage of this market? I laid awake in my bed last night, doing lines, pondering this question…

A pause

Binwald: Well, come out with it, Carter! This is a market we gotta get into!

Carter: (smiles devilishly): Energy Lines.

Binwald: Energy lines?

Carter: Yes, that’s right, Energy Lines.


Carter: You got it brotha! Energy Lines…

Binwald: (nods sagely while leaning back in his chair) Alright, I’m listening.

Carter: Just like the ‘legal high’ market provided a marijuana alternative to those who were too stupid to get jobs where they don’t test for drugs, the ‘Energy Lines’ market will provide an alternative to those too stupid to afford coke. Just think…a ‘working man’ wakes up in the morning, head full of regret over his abominable life-decisions. He’s depressed, unenergetic. He NEEDS something to start his day…to help him forget.

Binwald: Keep going…

Carter: …so he whips out his packet of Energy Line-Brand legal uppers, cuts himself a fat rail, and is able to go on with his limited, pathetic existence.

Binwald: Brilliant!

Vince: (does a line)

Carter:…and think what it will mean for us, those that can afford real coke. More efficient waiters. More chipper doormen. Less depressed-looking maids.

Binwald: …better for them, AND better for US!

Vince: Brilliant!

Binwald: One question, brotha…this being an upper, is there a crash afterwards?

Carter: (chuckles) Oh, yes, I would say SO…but what does this mean for us? Just that the consumer will buy MORE Energy Lines!

Binwald: A SELF-PERPETUATING market! Here Here!

Vince: (does a line)

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