Why I Hate Fall

Columbia-county-fallSo, you say you love fall, eh? Well, do me a favor. Go out and stand in it. Yes, stand in the fall. Feeling alright so far? Well, continue to stand in it for the next four-five hours.

Feeling a bit…chill? Wanna go inside? I see you are now attempting to AVOID the fall. It seems you can only absorb fall in small increments before you have to rush inside and crank the hell out of whatever heating unit you have, or perhaps entomb yourself in a swaddling of blankets and sheets.

“Well,” you may huff, “it’s pleasant to be all cozied up inside during the fall!”

AVOIDANCE! If you actually loved the fall so much, you would be out IN the fall, instead of hunched inside like there was an aid raid going off.

Oh, you like the colors? The vibrancy of the yellows and reds? You sick bastard. These are the colors of the trees atrophying their digits in anticipation of the winds of November, drawing their life-force inwards until their desiccated bits drop off into the mud and are stomped into the ground by woodland creatures rushing around in a panic trying to fatten themselves up before the winter sets in.

And the color pallet itself — blood red, match-flame yellow and fungal orange — those are EMERGENCY colors, colors flashed from first responders in the midst of earthquakes and drive-by shootings. They are colors that are supposed to alert you to some danger.

Autumnal death strikes a defenseless shrub in Hudson.

And the danger is winter, right around the corner. FLEE! The colors scream. Swaddle yourself in those blankets and sheets you love so much, because the season of death is nigh!

Loads of people from the city are into the moribund colors of fall, so you’re liable to see minivans full of entire extended families drifting along low-capacity roads while snapping photos with their phones.

Good luck with that.

You like fall clothing, you say? Sweater-weather, as some deranged pervert termed it.

Well, it seems like you’re just embracing a necessity, like someone working on the Fukushima Plant cleanup claiming they love wrapping themselves in radiation suits. You MUST don a protective shell of wool and polyester to keep the fall from creeping in.

Admit it.

And the darkness! Warming sunlight fleeing the heavens at seven, then six, then hurdling to five o’clock during Daylight Savings Time for some reason to do with saving energy during World War I or some shit. There are few fall lovers depraved enough to embrace this concept because it’s so inherently negative, other than those who say they love sleeping.

Yes, sleep the cold seasons away instead of experiencing them. I wonder why you do that?

And that’s just early fall. Late fall is characterized by the first snow, which people seemed enthralled by, despite it coating the dead ground with a layer of ice crystals designed by Satan himself to cause innumerable fender benders and the occasional multi-car pileup.

Still unconvinced you hate fall? Well!…you may be a true believer. Someone who, regardless of all sense, really does love autumn.


I stare at you with anger…and fear. Fear at the depths of your insanity.

I am electing to spend fall counting the days until next summer. I will celebrate then, caterwauling in the fine June sunlight, as the fall-lovers sneer at the heat and bide their time until fall comes again.

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